I am writing this because I feel a bit lost and would really value some thoughts from anyone who has been through something similar.
I have just celebrated my 55th birthday and our 25th wedding anniversary. I am not quite sure how either of those happened so quickly, but they have made me feel very aware of time passing and of life moving into a different stage.
I have lived with ME since 1998, and this year I was also diagnosed with ADHD, which has made a lot of things finally make sense. I have been unable to work since 2000, the year before I got married. For the last 19 years, my main role has been being Mum to Emily, but she is now finding her feet as an adult and has just finished her first year at York St John University.
It has been a difficult year, with many challenges that none of us could have foreseen, but somehow we made it through. This week also marks 20 years since I found out I was pregnant with Emily after our second round of IVF. The time has gone so fast.
And now I am left wondering: who am I in this next chapter?
I still do my crafts, but am very slow and get quite frustrated with myself and there isn’t really anyone who wants to buy what I make, so sometimes it is hard to know what the purpose of it is, especially when I had once hoped it might become something more productive.
I do run a craft group at a care home once a fortnight, which I love, but it is also very hard work. I also attend their knit and natter which again I love, but it is very hard work. I end up making lots of mistakes in my knitting and it is very hard for me to follow conversation due to hearing loss and ME.
When I was younger I trained to be a nurse, but health issues meant I didn’t qualify. Even now I still dream of it as a job. I worked as a carer in hospitals, care homes and home care before needing carers myself.
The job you do kind of becomes your identity, it’s the first question most people ask, so when you cannot work you feel like you are less of a person. It also kills conversation as people don’t know what to say to you. Having no income and being reliant on on others for anything I need is soul destroying and a lot of pressure on the bread winner. It’s like living as a child especially as I also need to be taken anywhere I want to go. It’s definitely tested our marriage vows, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health.
I know this may sound like a cliché, but I feel as though I need to rediscover who I am and find something that gives me a sense of happiness, purpose and fulfilment.
I am not expecting a magic answer. I know my health places limits on what I can do, and I know I cannot simply step into the life I once imagined. But I would love to find something positive to focus on — something meaningful, realistic, and still very much “me”.
Craft stuff gives me something to do, but they do not always feel like what I want to do and visions of being productive and being able to sell has long gone out the window, and craft can often feel more like frustration than a fulfilment. I follow many crafters on social media and they are all different league to me and have created identities for themselves and have recognisable products. I tend to try lots of different things, but I often feel frustrated that my energy, concentration and confidence do not match the ideas in my head.
Last weekend I went to a knitting show, it was a great event (and disabled friendly), but out of my league both practically and financially.
Recently I have found it hard to settle to anything and find myself watching programmes about travel or healthcare – basically the things I cannot do, but I suppose would love to do. There are a whole host of reasons why those things are not possible for me, but I think they show me something about what I still long for: purpose, care, connection, freedom and a sense of being useful.
It has been a difficult few months to say the least, but perhaps that is all the more reason to make some changes and focus on something positive.
Has anyone else rebuilt their sense of purpose later in life, especially with health limits? What helped you take the first small step?
Image created with Cricut AI photo creator
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